walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
