so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
