i need an iv and a liver transplant
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
