It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
