i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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