No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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