im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
the liver wants what the liver wants
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
