I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
