My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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