It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
