I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
