i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
whose ass print is on the piano?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
