How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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