So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
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