I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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