Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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