fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
