I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
