I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
