Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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