My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
