so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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