I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
