We're facebook friends in real life
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
