not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
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