I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Randomize
