After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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