I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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