There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
