At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
