Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
