The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
