a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
