I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
