my mouth tastes like poor choices
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
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