hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
