Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
