U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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