Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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