i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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