I love black thongs
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Randomize
