The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Houston, we have a squirter
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
