She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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