i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
