Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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