just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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