If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
