: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
