Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
