Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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