What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
