my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
