My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
