...so i touched it.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
