I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
