Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
