you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
